Surviving childhood

I guess this is as good a place as any to start, i it’s where I first became aware of my debilitating thoughts.

I was a very shy child, never brave enough to speak my mind, never brave enough to step out of line, nothing too terrible there I guess but I guess the real problems came from being asked to join in with drama lessons, dancing, anything that made me a focus of anyone’s attentions, my thoughts would always be ‘everyone is going to laugh at me’ ‘I can’t do what they are asking me to do’ ‘I’m just going to embarrass myself’ so I would try and find a way out of doing these or just sit in floods of tears in the corner of the room, ashamed of feeling this way and having no mechanism for conquering it.

These feelings and reactions continued in to high school (less the crying, that would have been fatal for trying to survive) I was still the painfully shy kid but I always tried to make friends with everyone although never the focal point of group, generally just the peripheral of al the established peer groups, just trying to fit in.

So we now have my mindset established for adulthood, try to fit in but don’t step outside your comfort zone, as chances are you’ll fail and just embarrass yourself and so it remains true to this day, although I am trying very hard to conquer these opinions of myself.

So how did this affect my childhood generally growing up?

Well, as I noted, I was part of a few social groups, but mostly in the peripheral, never seen as the main contributor just an outside member. So I became comfortable in my own company, keeping myself occupied when not included in social adventures with those I considered friends.

So what about dating, or getting ‘fixed’ as it was know?

Well for me it was only ever a dream and never something I would ever experience, this was due to me never having the confidence to ask any girl out for fear of rejection or embarrassment, or both probably and not aided by the fact that I always thought I was unattractive to the opposite sex therefore why even waste my time and same myself the pain. It was a particularly upsetting period for me as all my friends were comfortable and able find girlfriends and I so desperately wanted to be part of that group and desperately wanted that social validation, but it was never to be……..

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