Surviving childhood

I guess this is as good a place as any to start, i it’s where I first became aware of my debilitating thoughts.

I was a very shy child, never brave enough to speak my mind, never brave enough to step out of line, nothing too terrible there I guess but I guess the real problems came from being asked to join in with drama lessons, dancing, anything that made me a focus of anyone’s attentions, my thoughts would always be ‘everyone is going to laugh at me’ ‘I can’t do what they are asking me to do’ ‘I’m just going to embarrass myself’ so I would try and find a way out of doing these or just sit in floods of tears in the corner of the room, ashamed of feeling this way and having no mechanism for conquering it.

These feelings and reactions continued in to high school (less the crying, that would have been fatal for trying to survive) I was still the painfully shy kid but I always tried to make friends with everyone although never the focal point of group, generally just the peripheral of al the established peer groups, just trying to fit in.

So we now have my mindset established for adulthood, try to fit in but don’t step outside your comfort zone, as chances are you’ll fail and just embarrass yourself and so it remains true to this day, although I am trying very hard to conquer these opinions of myself.

So how did this affect my childhood generally growing up?

Well, as I noted, I was part of a few social groups, but mostly in the peripheral, never seen as the main contributor just an outside member. So I became comfortable in my own company, keeping myself occupied when not included in social adventures with those I considered friends.

So what about dating, or getting ‘fixed’ as it was know?

Well for me it was only ever a dream and never something I would ever experience, this was due to me never having the confidence to ask any girl out for fear of rejection or embarrassment, or both probably and not aided by the fact that I always thought I was unattractive to the opposite sex therefore why even waste my time and same myself the pain. It was a particularly upsetting period for me as all my friends were comfortable and able find girlfriends and I so desperately wanted to be part of that group and desperately wanted that social validation, but it was never to be……..

All about me

Welcome to my first blog, hope you enjoy reading and drop back for updates.

So it begins, I am a 40 year old Male, typical of most I suppose, I work 9-5, earn a decent living and try my best to be good in this world and to make sure I help raise my young son to have good values in life and, as you’ll see from my posts, avoid the same mental pitfalls that have plagued me my entire life.

All my life I have been having a constant battle with my own thoughts and my responses to those thoughts, whether through dealing with insecurities, anxiety, depression etc. at various times in my life I have displayed one or more symptoms of each and more.

So the purpose of this blog is to try and share these experiences, maybe help someone to realise they are not alone, convince myself that I am not alone in these thoughts too…..

I’ll also touch on some of the things I’ve tried over the many years and give an honest opinion on how effective they are.